I Truly Have No Life. And Supposedly My Book Comes Out Today, But I Really Have No Idea Because No One Talks To Me. I Need A Freaking Agent

*This is an old post I decided to throw back up here to give the new peeps something to read. Enjoy! *

I went to Goodwill and St. Vincent De Paul's yesterday and dropped nearly forty hard earned dollars on twenty-nine books. And about half of those happened to be Sweet Valley High and Sweet Valley Twins books. Why? Because they were there and no matter how horrible they were/are, the bring back mondo-nostalgia.

The rest were Agatha Christie, Stephen King, and (to my extreme happiness) mega awesome tween reads Indian in the Cupboard and The Secret of the Indian. I couldn't find Return of the Indian, much to my dismay. But when I do, you can bet I'll be snatching it up.

So, instead of finishing another chapter in my newest story or completing that application for University of Illinois for the Summer of 2010 enrollment (when I'll have enough credits to transfer to their online English program), I spent the last two hours reading one of my finds, Sweet Valley Twins #28, April Fool!. Let me tell you right off how hard it was to plow through it. I found myself visibly cringing a couple of times (I'll let you know where when we get to the offending places) and just plain bored with the rest. Jessica is an evil hobag, Elizabeth is a boring pushover, and everyone else in Sweet Valley deserves to die, slowly and painfully. Except Lois Waller. Mainly because everyone else in Sweet Valley (aside from that sanctimonious bitch, Elizabeth) hates her for being a fattie fat fat. And if I remember correctly, the cover of Lois Fights Back, Sweet Valley Twin #I haven't a clue, shows Lois as a somewhat trim tween with maybe 10 extra pounds on her. So, fuck you, kids of Sweet Valley. She's 12. And why were the twins twelve in 6th grade anyway? When I was in 6th grade, I was 11. And the twins were born the same month I was (I know this useless random fact because I lived for the Wakefield Twins), so they shouldn't have been 12 until after graduating 6th grade. Right?

Anyway, let's get onto April Fool!.


The story starts off the night before the first of April, which Kate Williams so kindly reminds us is April Fool's Day. Thank you. Did you have a certain words quota to fill? 'Cause when I do, I tend to add re-re facts like that into my papers. Anywho, Liz is chilling in her thinking seat which I can't rag on because my thinking seat when I was a kid was the roof of our house. But I can rag on the fact Liz is totally pondering which magazine she should subscribe to once she wins some essay contest among the sixth graders. Because she's already got it planned she is going to win. Because she is the best writer to have ever written, duh. Shakespeare ain't got nothin' on Elizabeth Wakefield. She's also wondering what super awesome prank Jessica has in mind for the next day. See, normally the twins do a little twin switch, but everyone knows it so they no longer fall for it but it's still totally awesome and cool because it involves the Wakefields. Well, Jessica finally arrives at the thinking spot and tells Liz they totally should not switch tomorrow because everyone is going to be expecting it and everyone will totally fall for their prank and think it's cool and awesome because it involves the Wakefields.

Awesome prank, Farva.
















So, it has been decided and the next morning Jessica sports some extra slutty ho gear and Elizabeth dresses like Miss Marple so as to throw off people even more. See, by accentuating Jess's sluttiness and Liz's dowdiness, they're certain people will believe they're up to their usual lame prank. Steven, the twins' bro, starts the pranks off by faking a heart attack and Liz totally falls for it. But Steve thinks it's actually Jess who fell for it, so ha, jokes on you Steve, you loser.

Next up, Ma Wakefield who is sporting some Ronald McDonald hair and the twins totally fall for it. Elizabeth and Jessica are some dumb children. Then here comes Pa Wakefield who, wait for it, HAS HIS TIE ON BACKWARDS!!!11!! Oh, el oh el. These Wakefields. But the kids at school aren't any more clever. Jim Sturbridge is donning a Groucho Marx nose (ha ha) and Ricky Capaldo is shaking everyone's hand as they enter (first clue, stupid children) only his hand is covered with some slimy nasty shit. Then someone leaves a plastic apple with a fake ass looking worm in the middle on Mr. Davis' desk with a note from Winston Egbert saying how much he loves him. And when the plastic apple falls apart in Mr. Davis' hand and the worm pops out, some chick is all "Ew, gross". Bitch, the thing ain't real. And how realistic could it actually be? GAWD. These pranks really are lame. But, OMG, the twins' prank is totaly working as evidenced when Liz wins the essay contest (lame) and when she rightfully stands up to claim her prize, Mr. Davis is a dick and tells her to plant her ass back into her seat because we all know Jess is really Liz. So, Jess (who actually really is Jess) claims the prize and asks for a subscription to Teen Rock. Oh noes!! Liz is totally upset becasue she told Jess how much she wanted Horse Lover's Journal or some lame ass Mystery mag. Liz is totally pissed.

After class, Liz is held back by Mr Davis concerning some stupid note Jess wrote about how Mr. Davis has horrible fashion sense. And even as Liz tries to explain she's not Jess, he gives her the detention anyway because he ain't fallin' for that old excuse. Then, as she's walking briskly in the hallway toward her cooking class, after being held back by Mr. Davis, that big meanie (who doesn't give her a late pass because he is a dick), she runs right into the Vice Principal! Oh my god, no way. He proceeds to yell at her for running in the hall, even though she really was just walking fast, gives her some more detention and gives her a late pass so she won't be in trouble when she gets to her next class. So, she finally shows up and tasked with making a souffle. Really, 6th grade cooking teacher? A souffle? I'm 28 and probably couldn't make a fucking souffle, never mind at 12. But, I digress.

Hijinks ensue, Liz's souffle comes out perfect (of fucking course) while Jess' comes out all jacked up. But, Jess ends up with the A and Liz the C because, you see, their teacher is an idiot. So, Liz is even more pissed off and looking to cut a bitch. Really, I don't blame her.

More lame pranks happen. Ken Matthews puts a rubber hot dog on Amy Sutton's bun (dirty), the Principal announces the bus drivers are on strike, to which this conversation happens:

"A collective groan was heard in the lunchroom. "Walk home?" Lois Waller moaned, pushing her brown hair away from her chubby face. "But it's over a mile!" "Maybe you'll lose a pound or two," Jerry McAllister cut in matter-of-factly."

Yes, shame the fattie. Fuck you, like you'd want to walk a mile home, Jerry McAllister.

There's also some more shit he puts out, and it's all lame but you can figure out it was all a joke. Ha, friggen', ha.

And shit just keeps on piling up for Liz. She gets the receiving end of Jess' prank from the Unicorns, which was really just washing someone's mom's Mercedes, but luckily she gets out of both detentions. Mr Davis had to go to the dentist and the Vice Principal had a meeting or something. But when she shows up to help decorate the gym for a school party that is happening tonight, they won't let her help because they think she's Jessica. God, this book is so very, very sad.

Well, Liz gets home from her craptastic day but it's not over yet. Her mom yells at her, thinking she's Jessica, wanting to know where some plans are she gave Jess to mail. Because when you have something important to mail off, Jessica is the first one I think of dependable enough to handle the task. Liz, being Liz, has no damned idea what she's talking about and says so. Alice threatens her, telling her she best find it or she's going to go to the Town Hall meeting with her and her father instead of the dance tonight as punishment. Liz sucks it up, like always, and does her homework, waiting for Jess to get home so she can grill Jess as to the whereabouts of these supposed plans. Jess gets home, is all "I mailed them just like mom told me to", and blows Liz off when she begs to drop the cherade. Liz is in tears and Jess is all "suck it up". Jessica really is a bitch.

Well, Liz can't come up with the plans, so Alice and Ned drag Liz to the school, where they say the meeting is taking place. Liz is all confused but goes along with it. They get inside and they usher her toward the gym, telling her to take Jess some damned sweater she needs because she fucked up her outfit or something. Truthfully, I was just glazing over the story at this point. Liz bitches in her head but is all Yes Mommy Dearest and slinks over to the gym. She walks in and gives Jess her sweater, even though the entire party has stopped and the kids are all circled around her like some creepy Children of the Corn. Jess is happy Liz is there, but Liz says she's not because she has to go tot he damn City Council meet or whatever. Really, Liz, buy yourself a clue. Turns out the party is really for her and Liz is the one who's been fooled. Jess had told everyone they were going to forgo the twin switch, but had them act like they didn't know. Liz is so shocked, but obviously still doesn't understand.

"Elizabeth shook her head, stunned, and almost speechless. All the ridiculous stuff that had happened that day--the detentions, the C in cooking class, the Unicorns' car wash, the Oberman papers. How much of it had been real, and how much had been part of Jessica's crazy joke?"

Um, all of it. Which is why you didn't have to stand detention and probably why they didn't want your ass in the gym helong out. 'Cause it was all for you. 'Cause the entre universe revoloves around the Wakefield twins.

And that's that. Reading it, I couldn't for the life of me remember why I thought Sweet Valley was the bees knees as a kid. But I'll continue to read the ones I bought and buy those I come across just because.