The Indian In The Cupboard

This book. Oh my Buddha, this book. I must have read this more than a hundred times when I was a kid. I longed for a cupboard in which to put my toys so I could have them come to life. When I saw this gem sitting oh so lonely in the childrens section of Goodwill, I did a little happy dance right there in the store. I couldn't believe how much I missed this book.

If you've never read this, or the subsequent books (which I've picked up, except for The Return of The Indian. Sadface because I cannot find it), allow me to enlighten you. I could never do this book justice here; Lynne Reid Banks is just too phenomenal. But I'll try.

Name: The Indian In The Cupboard
Published: 1980
Author: Lynne Reid Banks
Main Players: Omri, Patrick, Little Bear, Boone

It all begins with a birthday present to Omri from his bestie, Patrick. A little plastic Indian. However, Patrick is kind of an ass because the only reason he gave it to Omri is because he doesn't have a little plastic cowboy (nevermind Omri doesn't, either) so he couldn't very well play with just an Indian, could he? The Indian could make out with the Barbies, like my random figurines would do because my Barbies were whores. This, of course, could only happen if Patrick had his own Barbies or he's got a little sister. But, hey, just throwing that out there. Anyway, Omri also receives a cupboard from his brother which he found in an alley. Cute. Omri loves it however, because Omri is a wee strange boy. He mentions he wishes it locked, to which Gillon, his brother, gets all huffy and says he needs to be thanking him before he starts bitchin'. Gillon, you found a busted old cabinet while dumpster diving and gave it to your brother for his birthday. Don't be a dick and maybe next time shell out a few bucks.

Well, Omri, undeterred, finds himself a little key with "a fancy top and a red ribbon looped through one of its curly openings" and lo and behold, it fits! His mum mentions the key used to belong to her mum and its the only piece she has left of her, so she begs him not to lose it. Omri promises. Now the dilemma on what to keep in it! Omri's mum offers the Indian from Patrick. Omri locks the Indian away in his cupboard and before drifting off to sleep he thinks he hears a noise from inside. Brushing it off, he drifts off to la la land, only to be awaken in the morning to a ruckus undoubtedly coming from the cupboard.

Unnerved, and rightly so, Omri opens the cupboard and comes face to face with his plastic Indian, who happens to be no longer plastic but flesh and blood. Omri, being a dummy, sticks his hand out and the Indian leaps through the air with the greatest of ease and stabs Omri right in the finger with a knife. This Indian is pretty badass.

Omri tells him he doesn't want to hurt him and is then a little flabbergasted when he realizes the Indian might not speak English, even though all the Indians on TV speak English. Lucky for Omri, the Indian does speak English, although haltingly. Omri asks if he can pick him up (because the Indian is, after all "his Indian". Not cool, Omri. That Indian can kick you ass and probably will). The Indian tells him to fuck off and keeps being ornery (I really like that word) even after Omri concedes.

Omri heads off to school and when he comes back, the Indian is back to being plastic again. Omri's confused, knows he's not going crazy because the mark the Indian made earlier was still there, and locks the now plastic Indian back into the cupboard. His mum comes in just as sounds of life come from the cupboard, but doesn't notice. Once he's alone again, he opens the cupboard and is given orders right off from the Indian. Have I mentioned this Indian is pretty badass? Omri comes back with some bread, cheese and a kernel of corn. The Indian demands meat after scarfing down his spoils. Omri tells him he's SOL. The Indian demands something to drink and Omri pours him out a little Coca Cola. I'm surprised he didn't go into a diabetic coma right then and there.

Omri sets him up with a tepee in which to sleep and we learn the Indian's name is Little Bear. Little Bear bitches about the plastic tepee and the fact he can't make a fire. Omri fashions a better tepee out of some sticks and fabric for Little Bear, who proceeds to bitch about the fact there's no drawings on it. Little Bear demands meat, fire and color tomorrow, to which Omri agrees.

While Little Bear sleeps, Omri test drives a few other inanimate objects in his new cupboard, wondering if the key or the cupboard, or a combo of the both is what brings the magic to life. He tries a Matchbox car and fails, but leaves the plastic tepee Little Bear was so dissatisfied with overnight. When he awakens, he notices the tepee is now a real life tepee, with real stitching and everything. Little Bear is pleased. He's also pleased to finds out he's in England, not America, because the English hate the French, thus are friends to the Iroquois.

Omri decides to allow Little Bear a horse (and of course Little Bear bitches because he can only have one) and brings to life a pretty Arab horse and takes them outside, only after Little Bear promises not to run off. He promises and all is right with the world.

While outside, Little Bear gets kicked by the horse and Omri brings to life a WWI medic to help fix the cut to Little Bear's leg. Little Bear is fixed and feeling better so Omri gives him some wood and an ax so he can make a longhouse.

Meanwhile at school Patrick is getting a little upset about how awesome Omri thinks the plastic INdian is. After all, it was something Patrick really didn't want, so why would Omri think it was such the bees knees? He asks if he can come to Omri's after school, and Omri declined (as he had since Little Bear came to life)

When Omri gets home, Little Bear nearly has the longhouse finished (bitching to Omri that the ax was hella heavy and why the hell couldn't he get him a tomahawk?) and greedily takes the paint Omri brought him for his tepee. Omri brings to life an Indian chief, thinking Little Bear would want a friend, only the chief crosses over dead, which leads Little Bear to believe he is now a chief and gets even more demanding, ordering Omri to bring him deer to hunt, fire to cook, and good meat to eat.

The next day Patrick brings Omri a plastic cowboy to go with his plastic Indian. Omri tells him to pack sand because they'll hurt each other. Patrick, obviously because he hasn't read the book thus far, is all like "Dude, they're made of plastic. Are you high?" Omri reluctantly brings Patrick to his room to show him he isn't crazy, and OH NOES!! his brothers are in his room and Omri gets mayjahly pissed. Adiel tells him to shut the eph up because he'll scare the pet rat Gillon lost and subsequently found. Dun-dun-dun! This is foreshadowing, or something. Omri voids his room of the intruders and finds Little Bear underneath his bed. Patrick is all like WHOA when Omri shows him Little Bear. Little Bear is still a demanding prick which means, he's still a badass.

Patrick wants to bring something to life in the cupboard and Omri shoots him down. But that doesn't stop Patrick, who brings the plastic cowboy to life while Omri is downstairs getting Little Bear something to eat. Patrick is kind of an ass. I always found him to be annoying and bratty. The cowboy, scared, shoots Patrick in the face (this is why I love Boone, the cowboy), but it only hurts a bit because the bullet is so teeny tiny.

Patrick continues to be a buttwaffle and tells Omri he wants to bring Boone to school tomorrow because it's his cowboy after all (um, didn't you buy it for Omri, turdnugget?) and he can do whatever he wants with his cowboy. Omri is like "um, no" but Patrick threatens he'll tell (like anyone'd believe him) and Omri folds like a house of cards.

And now I leave you. I just noticed this post is hella long, so I'll save the next half of the book for later. Couple of days at the most.