Sweet Valley Twins # 14- Tug Of War

I never read this one as a child for one reason only. What's that reason, you ask? Well, I didn't like the books where they centered around the twins fighting. It's also why I owned Sweet Valley Twins #37-The War Between The Twins but never read it. Holy Christ on a Hoverround, what was wrong with me?!

The story starts with Elizabeth and Amy Sutton talking to some chick named Linda. I have no idea who this girl is, nor do I really care. Linda (the sixth grade class president *jot this down, it'll come in handy later) is getting ready to move to Texas and is all sad because Sweet Valley is the most bestest, awesomest, niftiest place to live ever! It's true! Liz even says so.

Liz takes Jess a cupcake she saved from Linda's going away party and they start talking about Linda leaving. Toldja it'd come in later. Jess and her fellow band of wicked wenches, The Unicorns, decide a Unicorn must be elected class president. Julie Porter comes rushing up to tell the group Mr. Bowman, the principal, says whoever is elected class president gets to run the next book fair and decide how the money raised will be used. Jess thinks the money should be used on a party. Doesn't this school have parties every other day? I figured they had their own slush fund for parties. Anyway, the Unicorns all agree is a fantastic idea. Jess tries to get Liz on board by saying the party could be tied into books somehow, like dressed as book characters. Liz and Amy think the money should be spent on more books. Lila says that's too boring. then Liz remembers the school needs a VCR and suggests that. Jessica thinks that's too educational. Julie says she'll take both ideas up to Mr. Bowman.

After school, Jessica tells Liz she has decided to go as Scarlett O'Hara to the party she, Lila, and Ellen have already decided was going to happen. Liz gets pissed and sits around with Amy Sutton and Julie and try to decide who should be nominated for class president. You can probably guess they settle on Liz. Amy thinks they should eavesdrop on Jess to see who the Unicorns are planning to nominate, but Liz nixes the idea. After all, Jess wouldn't do anything intentional to hurt her. Serious. She actually thinks that. After the twins' friends leave, Jess continues to gush about how romantic and awesome it will be when she goes to the party as Scarlett O'Hara. Liz says she's never seen the movie nor read the book (really, Liz? I'm calling bullshit on that one) so she can't really see what's Jess so worked up about.

The next day at class, the sixth graders tell their nominations. Guess what? Amy nominated Liz and Lila nominates Jess! Oh noes! And because Jim Sturbridge thinks there should be a guy's name up there, Randy Mason is nominated as well. 25 pages into this book and I can already tell you who the class president will be. Especially after three separate mentions on how shy Randy is.

Anyway, Jess is all excited the two of them are running against one another. She doesn't count Randy because he is such a loser. Liz is worried the elections will come between them and Jess tells her not to worry. After all, Jessica is going to win, anyway. Liz kinda gets pissed, even though she thinks Jessica is right. Of course, the next page over, Liz is all confident she's going to win and I'm so confused.

At home, Jess tries sucking up to Steven until Liz reminds her he doesn't get a vote. The next morning, Jessica is caught by Elizabeth cleaning her room. Apparently, Jessica is making her room ground control for her campaign. Liz makes Casey's Place her campaign headquarters and brushes off her friends worries that Jess will stoop to new lows to win this election, even if it means stepping on the back of Liz's head after knocking her down. Liz denies Jess would do anything to hurt her. Again. Julie, Amy and Liz begin a list of demands should Liz get elected. Randy Mason happens to be there with his dad and congratulates Elizabeth on her nomination like a good little politicion.

Later on, Liz begins to make posters with her campaign promises printed on them, but gets discouraged when she realizes she probably won't be able to keep one of them. Obviously, she has no idea what being a politician is all about. The twins have a fight because Jess thinks Liz is spying on her all because Liz overheard how Jess was promising a pool party at Lila's. Dramz!

Liz's campaign squad head to the library and suck up toi the librarian. They put down a stack of fliers when they help unpack new books and when their job is done, they find out the newly printed fliers have gone missing! Julie thinks someone must have put a stack of books on top of them and accidentally carried them away. Amy is certain whoever has them will return them to the lost and found. Liz is doubtful. After lunch, she checks the Lost and Found bulletin board and sees nothing about her lost fliers. However, she does catch Randy's campaign flier:

For maximum efficiency in advocating rights and issues pertinent to all sixth graders vote for Randy Mason

Yeah, Randy's kind of a nerd. And Liz has no idea what the flier means. I thought she was supposed to be the smart one? I'd vote for Randy just cause he confused Liz. Liz finds Randy and gives him some constructive criticism. And this is what is inside Liz's thought bubble as she does so:

As she spoke, Elizabeth was wondering why she was bothering to help an opponent. But Randy was so sweet and pitiful, she couldn't just let him make a fool of himself. Besides, he didn't really have a chance at winning anyway.

Fuck you, Liz. Gah, you're a bitch. Sorry, I thought you'd all enjoy that little paragraph.

Liz gets called into the office and she's all excited because she thinks someone must have turned in her fliers. Instead, the secretary is majorly pissed because they were clogging up the school fountain. Amy is certain Jess is the one who pulled the prank, but Liz continues to defend her. They catch Lila and Ellen giggling and are convinced it was Jess who told them about the fliers and the Unicorns did the dirty work. Liz is now ready to fight fire with fire.

On Monday, the pool party Jess planned to trump up some votes is in full swing. Charlie Cashman (who later grows up to be a racist, if I recall) is all happy Jess is running for president because now they'll be able to get really wild and crazy in school.

(dammit) Janet Howell, Lila's cousin and lead of the Unicorns is happy because the having Jessica as president will give the Unicorns more power. Lila tells Jess how awesome their prank on Liz was and Jess agrees it was kind of funny. The Unicorns get to talking trash about Liz and Jess wants to stick up for her, but doesn't. Lila thinks Liz might be cooking something in the oven to get back at Jess, and even though Jess doesn't believe it, she ends up frowning a little. I know this because Lila tells her to stop frowning or else she'll get wrinkles.

Jessica gets home and walks in on the Julie telling Liz "it's a great plan". Jess demands to know what the plan is, but Liz refuses to tell, which only pisses Jessica off more. Jess searches Elizabeth's room and finds a flier asking kids to show up at a rally after the soccer game to hear what Liz will do for them as president. She tells Lila what she's found and Lila tells her they need to sabatoge the rally. Jess decides to go along because no way can Liz have the undivided attention of the entire sixth grade class. Jessica's narcissistic personality will not allow it.
^That's what I got when I typed in evil unicorns. It's now my new background

Lila comes into school the next day with a shitton of cassettes of Johnny Buck's new single. They plan on handing them out after the soccer game to everyone, thus leaving the stadium empty when it came time for Liz's speech. Her speech will be doomed! Cue evil cackle here.

The plan works and Liz is only left with a handful of students. She gives the speech anyway at the urging of Amy. I wonder what Randy's up to. Why has he not been mentioned since the flier incident?

Liz goes home on the verge of tears and stumbles across Jess' professionally made posters, courtesy of Ellen's uncle. She decides to draw a mustache on every single picture of Jess on the poisters. Jess comes home and is furious. Furious, I tells ya! The twins duke it out until Ma Wakefield puts a stop to it. She makes them promise to no more nasty pranks. They sullenly agree.

Randy is finally mentioned after a weekend of the twins ignoring one another. Randy has printed out a flier asking everyone to a rally after school to listen to his ideas. He says he'd put all of the school activities onto the computer, so they could be easily accessed. He also suggests the sixth graders could adopt one of Sally Struthers' kids. And start championship chess and Scrabble clubs. He's also decided they could do with the money raised from the book fair the things Liz and Jess want to do. Because no one ever can have a better idea than these two. He suggests the throw the party and charge an entry fee so there'll be enough money left over for a VCR. Liz berates herself for not thinking it up first and Amy suggests she steals his idea at the assembly for the election tomorrow. Liz thinks it might be a good idea because no way in hell is Randy ever going to get elected. Nosireebob. But, she's conflicted and talks it over with her mom. Alice thinks its wring to steal Randy's idea but basically tells her to figure it out herself. The twins make up, even though Jess wasn't very sincere, and all is right with the Wakefield girls for now.

The next day is the assembly. Jess frets about what to wear. Liz bitches because she's taking so long to get ready. Same old, same old. The three candidates are brought up to the stage. Jess is the first to speak and is totally flabbergasted when asked by Amy what she would do if elected president, aside for the party. Jess really hasn't a clue. Liz is up next and begins by telling how she wanted a VCR for the school. But then she tells everyone Randy has a super awesome idea and everyone who was going to vote for her should vote for Randy. Because no one has ever gotten anywhere without the help of a Wakefield. The kids vote and guess who the new sixth grade president is?! If you guessed Randy Mason 17 hours ago, give yourself a pat on the back.

The last chapter deals with the set up for the next book. Jess is going gaga over some singer who's about 20 years old. Liz is all like "ew, gross, he's so old" but Jess thinks he's cute and all the boys her age are so immature, anyway. I wanted to rag on Jessica for being such a whorey whore, but I can't because I wanted to marry Fox Mulder when I was 13 years old and dude was a lot older than 20 then. But I will rag on the future pedophile who hits on Jess while she's at the skating rink. If I remember correctly, pretty blonde boy is 16. Hitting on a 12 year old. Ew. That's just gross.

Next week, it'll be time for The Return of the Indian recap! I'm so excited! I'm also thinking about recapping some of my fav shows as a kid, like Jem and the Holograms, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., and Quantum Leap. How does that sound?